02 12 / 2011

Ah, now that’s the gist of it. I’m stuck going back and forth between the wish and the thing. I seem to be missing out on the waiting world. There’s several open-ended, uncertain things in my life right now. And god how that sucks ass. Uncertainty is a bitch. I’m trying to deal with it. I’m not one prone to panic. Crazy girl days? Yep. You bet. But typically, not so much with the panic. But right now, I’ll be rolling along, doing okay and a thought crosses my mind - one more thing I haven’t considered. One more variable that enters into the current WTF equation that is currently my life. And I feel my entire body tense up. And it hurts to breathe a second. Because it’s like “Holy shit, I hadn’t even considered that, too.” That was today. I was trying to be as optimistic as possible. And then bam! One of those thoughts crossed my mind. Sonofabitch. And it passes quickly. At least the tense, hurts-to-breathe fear. Then just the numbing reality of uncertainty sets back in and the breathing is just fine.  Depressing as shit, isn’t it? I mean if Hallmark is looking for a “Reality Bites. And here’s why” line of cards? I think I could totally help them with that right now. Biting wit meets cranky, snarky “Go shove it up your arse” in a line of greeting cards. Oh, yeah. I’m sure those will sell big. Like hotcakes. Although…come to think of it…I’m not sure how well hotcakes sell. Whenever I’m at brunch with friends, no one orders hotcakes. They may need to revise that saying. But I digress. One of the uncertain things in my life is, of course, about someone I care about. Someone who has managed to weasel his way into my *mumbles* heart. Someone who has become a ridiculously important part of my life. And I know I’m important to him, too. At least on some level. But were not actually in the same city. And we’ve had a version of the “What comes next” discussion that resolved nothing. We both agreed that we care. We both agreed that we are jealous of the idea of the other being with someone else. But we didn’t find any kind of label for this other than “some kind of relationship.” Nice and vague. I mean, we both said we didn’t know what it is between us. And that’s awesome. Vague. Confusing. And made of win. Except not. And some days I can deal with it better than other days. Some days I’m okay with the uncertainty. Some days not. Some days I hope there will be something more. But some days I think there will never be anything more. Those days are happening more and more. Tonight was one of those nights. And I know if it ends up that way…that the not being in the same city thing (along with a few other things not worth delving into here) keeps us from even trying…that will likely break my heart. The other day my friend asked me if I had any people I wondered “What if” about. And there was one. From college. I walked away from that. Had different priorities by the time he got his head out of his ass and was not willing to be tied down. Smart? Maybe. Maybe not. Irrelevant at this point. But I think if this guy (whom I’ll call HIM) and I do not go any further…he will always be my “What if.” Because HIM is a really great guy. And much like that line from Bridget Jones Diary, he seems to like me “exactly as I am.” But much like any girl, who swore she’d never be that dumb girl who gets all emo over a dude, I know find myself going through all the frustrating and stupid emotions and reactions (laughing, crying, grinning like a fool, worrying, crying, smiling, swooning, warming, etc.). I am that girl. Well, that woman. And damn HIM. It would be so much easier to just shove HIM away. So much easier. Yeah, it would also suck ass. But there’d be no uncertainty. I’d know exactly where we stood. Apart. But I probably won’t do that today. Or tomorrow. I care about the idiot a little more than I’d like. So for now, when my world is equivalent to a tornado, blowing shit all around me and making me want to duck for cover, I won’t probably do that. Because the asshat has become a part of my support system. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I need HIM. In my life. Just like I need my friend (henceforth she shall be known as THE ROCK because she is my rock of support, sanity, laughter, etc.). Just like I need my family. Although I may not talk to him for the next two days. Because, like I said, I am that girl. #IHateThatGirl See? I am that girl. 

Ah, now that’s the gist of it. I’m stuck going back and forth between the wish and the thing. I seem to be missing out on the waiting world.

There’s several open-ended, uncertain things in my life right now. And god how that sucks ass. Uncertainty is a bitch. I’m trying to deal with it. I’m not one prone to panic. Crazy girl days? Yep. You bet. But typically, not so much with the panic. But right now, I’ll be rolling along, doing okay and a thought crosses my mind - one more thing I haven’t considered. One more variable that enters into the current WTF equation that is currently my life. And I feel my entire body tense up. And it hurts to breathe a second. Because it’s like “Holy shit, I hadn’t even considered that, too.” That was today. I was trying to be as optimistic as possible. And then bam! One of those thoughts crossed my mind. Sonofabitch. And it passes quickly. At least the tense, hurts-to-breathe fear. Then just the numbing reality of uncertainty sets back in and the breathing is just fine. 

Depressing as shit, isn’t it? I mean if Hallmark is looking for a “Reality Bites. And here’s why” line of cards? I think I could totally help them with that right now. Biting wit meets cranky, snarky “Go shove it up your arse” in a line of greeting cards. Oh, yeah. I’m sure those will sell big. Like hotcakes. Although…come to think of it…I’m not sure how well hotcakes sell. Whenever I’m at brunch with friends, no one orders hotcakes. They may need to revise that saying.

But I digress. One of the uncertain things in my life is, of course, about someone I care about. Someone who has managed to weasel his way into my *mumbles* heart. Someone who has become a ridiculously important part of my life. And I know I’m important to him, too. At least on some level. But were not actually in the same city. And we’ve had a version of the “What comes next” discussion that resolved nothing. We both agreed that we care. We both agreed that we are jealous of the idea of the other being with someone else. But we didn’t find any kind of label for this other than “some kind of relationship.” Nice and vague. I mean, we both said we didn’t know what it is between us. And that’s awesome. Vague. Confusing. And made of win. Except not. And some days I can deal with it better than other days. Some days I’m okay with the uncertainty. Some days not. Some days I hope there will be something more. But some days I think there will never be anything more. Those days are happening more and more. Tonight was one of those nights. And I know if it ends up that way…that the not being in the same city thing (along with a few other things not worth delving into here) keeps us from even trying…that will likely break my heart.

The other day my friend asked me if I had any people I wondered “What if” about. And there was one. From college. I walked away from that. Had different priorities by the time he got his head out of his ass and was not willing to be tied down. Smart? Maybe. Maybe not. Irrelevant at this point. But I think if this guy (whom I’ll call HIM) and I do not go any further…he will always be my “What if.” Because HIM is a really great guy. And much like that line from Bridget Jones Diary, he seems to like me “exactly as I am.” But much like any girl, who swore she’d never be that dumb girl who gets all emo over a dude, I know find myself going through all the frustrating and stupid emotions and reactions (laughing, crying, grinning like a fool, worrying, crying, smiling, swooning, warming, etc.). I am that girl. Well, that woman. And damn HIM. It would be so much easier to just shove HIM away. So much easier. Yeah, it would also suck ass. But there’d be no uncertainty. I’d know exactly where we stood. Apart.

But I probably won’t do that today. Or tomorrow. I care about the idiot a little more than I’d like. So for now, when my world is equivalent to a tornado, blowing shit all around me and making me want to duck for cover, I won’t probably do that. Because the asshat has become a part of my support system. And as much as it pains me to admit it, I need HIM. In my life. Just like I need my friend (henceforth she shall be known as THE ROCK because she is my rock of support, sanity, laughter, etc.). Just like I need my family. Although I may not talk to him for the next two days. Because, like I said, I am that girl. #IHateThatGirl

See? I am that girl. 

(Source: pinterest.com, via sininapairofheels)

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